It’s so hard to forgive an affair, you need to learn how.  Few events in your life will be as devastating as learning that your partner has been cheating on you.  Many couples will decide to end the relationship at that point, but those that decide to try to stick it out and make it work may find themselves in a stronger, more committed relationship.

Don’t be Consumed with Guilt!

You’re not the one who cheated, and your partner’s decision to cheat is your partner’s responsibility, not yours.  If you contributed to it by things you did, that still doesn’t make the affair your fault.  Your partner should have talked it over with you if your behavior was so disturbing, not cheated.  You can’t eat your heart out - these things happen, and life goes on.  Your partner’s affair doesn’t diminish your value as a person.  You muse forgive yourself before even considering forgiving your partner.

This Isn’t an Opportunity for you to Gain Leverage

Don’t think for a moment that you’re going to be able to dredge up your partner’s affair and use it in every argument to come - that way lies disaster.  You know things that make your partner feel bad - do you constantly bring them up to inflict pain?  So why would you want to keep bringing up the issue of the affair?

Explore Your Heart

If you can’t get past those initial feelings of pain and betrayal, it’s going to be impossible to forgive your partner.  How do you feel?  Do you feel angry? Betrayed? Humiliated? Everything?  This is the best time to express all your emotions and understand them all.

Again, don’t use this as an excuse to blame your partner or look for strategic advantage in future arguments. The point here is to examine what you feel.  You pretty much know why you feel like that, and continually blaming your partner isn’t going to help anything.  The kind of emotions you’re feeling are pretty strong, and there’s nothing wrong with screaming, or crying.  You’ll get past that initial reaction sooner or later.

At this point, you’ll be able to reflect more clearly and concentrate on the things you can do to forgive your partner rather than simply react to the affair.

Talk Things Over With Your Partner

You need to do it, and it’s going to be among the more difficult things you’ve ever done, but you’ve still got to do it. With your partner - and only your partner - have an honest conversation about the cause of the infidelity. Such things that cause so much pain are difficult to discuss, but you won’t be able to grow as a couple unless you’ve done so.

If you want to overcome the affair, you’ve got to understand it.  Sit down with your partner and have a civil, calm discussion about it.  Especially important are your feelings.  How did you feel when you learned about it?  How did your partner feel during the affair?  How did your partner feel when you found out?  There’s no doubt that it’s hard to hear the truth.  Finger-pointing, blaming each other and generally acting adolescent aren’t going to do either of you any good.

You have the chance now to make yourself a nice, happy relationship, or you can prove you were right.  Make your choice.  The problem is, if all you do is keep emphasizing that you were the victim, you’re signaling that you’re not willing to acknowledge that anything you may have done contributed to the problem.  Good communication isn’t just making sure you’re heard - it involves a great deal of listening and opening up your heart.

Build Yourself a Relationship that’s too Good for an Affair

After you’ve thoroughly aired out the issue, you need to discuss with your partner a solid plan for moving forward. If you understand what led to the affair in the first place, you can agree on how to avoid such situations in the future. Likewise, you need to agree on ways to improve your communications. You can’t just commit to maintaining the same relationship that your partner just cheated on.  You’ve got to commit to a better relationship, one your partner won’t want to cheat on.

Learning to forgive a challenge is every bit as difficult as learning that your partner has cheated.  This unhappy time can be left in the past if the two of you will devote your time and energy to moving on and forging a new life together.  Depending on the depth of your commitment to each other, you may one day look back on this episode as one of victory and joy, rather than one of pain and sorrow.